Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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