Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
