I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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