im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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