why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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