Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
