the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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