I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
