I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
