That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my vag is so smooth its legendary
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
