Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
