i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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