captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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