so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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