what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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