I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
