I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
