Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
