She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
