distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
