News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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