Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
