the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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