Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
