Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
