I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
how drunk are you?
Several
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
