this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
