I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize