why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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