The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
