just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
