is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
