When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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