my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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