Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
