If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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