I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
