now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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