if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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