haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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