3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
