fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize