my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
