her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
