i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
