it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
