When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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