Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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