you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
