sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
