oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
