So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i am craving dick and cupcakes
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
