Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
