o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
