somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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