'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
