I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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