I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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