It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
