we have officially lost it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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