call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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