i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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