I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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