How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize