My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
