Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
